This is not a failure

If you've read any of my previous blog posts you are aware of my history and can skip this paragraph. For those of you who are not aware, I struggle with depression and anxiety issues. New people and situations, especially going to people’s houses, cause me panic attacks. Most of the time I do not take medication because I don’t need it and it doesn't always help. I also avoid medication when I can because I have one failed suicide attempt in my past and a lot of the medications increase the risk of suicide. That is a personal choice and I’m not telling anyone else what to do with their lives. Your decisions should be based on discussions between you and your doctor.

The thing about mental issues is that they are not constant. There are peaks and valleys. For months now I have been really struggling, but I refused to get help. Things have gotten progressively worse over the last few weeks and I finally made an appointment to see my doctor. Today I spent a large part of the day in tears because I knew my doctor would want to put me on medication and it made me feel like a failure. I know this is nonsense, but being rational isn't always possible. It’s a good thing I had my doctor to remind me that sometimes the strongest thing you can do is to admit that you are struggling and let someone help you. This is not a failure.

I didn't write this so you would feel sorry for me. I wrote this because if you are struggling I want you to know that you are not alone. We don’t all suffer from the same issues and we don’t struggle in the same way, but we can still support each other. We can remind each other that it may not feel like it right now, but things can get better. We can also support each other by being honest about the struggle and refusing to allow mental health issues to be treated like dirty little secrets. There is nothing shameful about getting help for a medical condition.