In January I wrote a post about my struggle with social anxiety and depression. As part of my struggle I bought this dress, the “magic dress” because it was beautiful and I loved it. I didn’t have any idea when or if I would ever wear the dress, but that wasn’t the point. The dress made me happy and that was all that mattered. This past weekend I had the perfect opportunity to wear the dress. The Renna Awards event at TCTA is an annual thing and I decided that I would wear the magic dress. The problem with social anxiety is that it never lets you do exactly what you want. Saturday morning I started having panic attacks every time I thought about going to the awards. By the afternoon I wasn’t sure if I would be able to make myself go, but I decided to start getting ready just in case. Part of the way through getting ready I had a severe panic attack and I decided that I was not going to go to the awards because I was just too overwhelmed and exhausted. I stopped getting ready, crawled back into my bed, and pulled the covers over my head. After the panic subsided I started thinking about all my friends at TCTA and how much I did want to see them. Finally I was able to drag myself out of bed and rush through getting ready and out the door. On the drive to the theatre the panic started again, but I just turned up the music in my car and sang along loudly to every song.
Once I got to the theatre and started seeing all my amazing friends I started feeling better. As the night wore on I was able to relax and really enjoy the awards and spending time with my friends. It was more entertaining than I had anticipated and I really enjoyed it. For some reason I expected it to be very serious, clearly I didn’t think about the fact that Shannon was in charge. He seems to make everything more entertaining than it would normally be. I’m very proud of myself for overcoming the panic attacks and consider that a battle won. Technically, I won 2 battles on Saturday because after the awards I even managed to make it to the after party which was held at the home of a woman I did not know. I had seen her around the theatre, but had never spoken to her until I introduced myself at the party. Now I can add one more person to the list of amazing friends I have met through TCTA.
The thing about mental illness is that I don’t think I’ll ever win the war. Not completely. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say that I’ve defeated my issues and will never have to deal with them again. It will probably always be a serious of smaller battles. My goal is just to win as many battles as I can and then forgive myself for the lost battles. It really is about refusing to give up.
