In January I wrote a post about my struggle with social anxiety and depression. As part of my struggle I bought this dress, the “magic dress” because it was beautiful and I loved it. I didn’t have any idea when or if I would ever wear the dress, but that wasn’t the point. The dress made me happy and that was all that mattered. This past weekend I had the perfect opportunity to wear the dress. The Renna Awards event at TCTA is an annual thing and I decided that I would wear the magic dress. The problem with social anxiety is that it never lets you do exactly what you want. Saturday morning I started having panic attacks every time I thought about going to the awards. By the afternoon I wasn’t sure if I would be able to make myself go, but I decided to start getting ready just in case. Part of the way through getting ready I had a severe panic attack and I decided that I was not going to go to the awards because I was just too overwhelmed and exhausted. I stopped getting ready, crawled back into my bed, and pulled the covers over my head. After the panic subsided I started thinking about all my friends at TCTA and how much I did want to see them. Finally I was able to drag myself out of bed and rush through getting ready and out the door. On the drive to the theatre the panic started again, but I just turned up the music in my car and sang along loudly to every song.
Once I got to the theatre and started seeing all my amazing friends I started feeling better. As the night wore on I was able to relax and really enjoy the awards and spending time with my friends. It was more entertaining than I had anticipated and I really enjoyed it. For some reason I expected it to be very serious, clearly I didn’t think about the fact that Shannon was in charge. He seems to make everything more entertaining than it would normally be. I’m very proud of myself for overcoming the panic attacks and consider that a battle won. Technically, I won 2 battles on Saturday because after the awards I even managed to make it to the after party which was held at the home of a woman I did not know. I had seen her around the theatre, but had never spoken to her until I introduced myself at the party. Now I can add one more person to the list of amazing friends I have met through TCTA.
The thing about mental illness is that I don’t think I’ll ever win the war. Not completely. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say that I’ve defeated my issues and will never have to deal with them again. It will probably always be a serious of smaller battles. My goal is just to win as many battles as I can and then forgive myself for the lost battles. It really is about refusing to give up.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
My new dress
Depression is a lying bastard. Jenny Lawson (aka The Bloggess) says that all the time, which is why I love her. This is such a true statement. I know because he’s been a frequent companion most of my life, which is probably why I have had ulcers since I was 12 years old. The hardest lesson came when I was 21 and tried to commit suicide. Obviously I failed, and that was incredibly disappointing at the time. Now I’m so thankful for that failure that I can’t even properly express it. That failure made me so much stronger. Now when I’m having a bad day I remember that time in my life and tell myself I will never let it get that bad again. At the time, I was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety disorder and they tried to medicate me. The medication has never really worked so in general I just muddle through without it. I think if a medication is going to make you feel worse all the time it’s not really helping you. Most people don’t know any of this about me because I have always been afraid to tell people. I was worried that if people knew they wouldn’t want to be around me. The thing is, why would I want to be friends with people who don’t accept me just the way I am?
One of the hardest things for me are new social situations. Meeting new people and going to places I’ve never been cause me so much anxiety and stress that it makes me sick to my stomach. I spend a ridiculous amount of time hoping that people won’t invite me to do stuff because I know I won’t be able to make myself go. I am able to do public things like going out to eat or seeing a movie without too much trouble, but when people invite me to their house or someone else’s house it causes total panic. This has been something I’ve really been having trouble with in the last year because I decided to step outside my comfort zone and volunteer on the backstage crew at the local theatre. The people I volunteer with are amazing, wonderful, loving people who always make me feel welcome. That doesn’t stop me from being anxious when I start a new show and know I’m going to be meeting new people. Every show is a “new” situation and I start over from the beginning with having to force myself to go, but I’m always glad I did. I still haven’t been able to work past the fear and anxiety to attend any of the cast/crew parties, but someday I’m hoping I will. Right now I’m just proud of myself for getting involved and not letting the fear rule my whole life.
Even with my family I’m not always comfortable because I’ve spent so much of my life living away from them. Moving back to Kansas
A while ago I saw a dress online that is purple and beautiful and it makes me smile just looking at it. The problem is that it looks like a prom dress and I would never have any reason to wear the thing. That is where Jenny Lawson comes in to this story. In general, I love her because she has a great sense of humor and she makes me laugh even when I’m having a bad day. She has been strong enough to share her battle with depression and reading her blog makes me feel stronger and less ashamed. She wrote this wonderful blog post about a red dress she wanted. You can read her story here: http://thebloggess.com/2010/05/the-traveling-red-dress/ . Her story made me realize that sometimes we have to do something just because it makes us feel better. I don’t need a special occasion, the dress makes me furiously happy so I decided to go ahead and buy it. The best part is that it was on sale!! That makes me even happier. Is there anything more happy than furiously happy? That is what I am, MORE than furiously happy. I may never wear the dress in public, but I intend to take pictures in it and look at them when I’m overwhelmed. Someday I will join the Traveling Red Dress movement and pass the dress along, but for right now I’m going to be selfish and keep it. I’m going to enjoy the dress and be thankful to Jenny Lawson for giving me the courage to share my story with all of you and for giving me permission to buy a frivolous dress.
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