Small victories

Lately my depression has been winning.  Just getting out of bed has been a real struggle and I have wanted to be at home all the time.  When I wasn't at home my anxiety would kick in and it was miserable.  

If you know me, you know that going to people's houses causes me panic attacks.  Most of the time I just avoid going to parties because it isn't worth the panic attack and resulting exhaustion.

Tonight I'm feeling pretty proud of myself because I went to TWO graduation parties.  At people's houses!! It was tough, but I did it.  Every once in a while I win small victories.  Yay for me.

This is not a failure

If you've read any of my previous blog posts you are aware of my history and can skip this paragraph. For those of you who are not aware, I struggle with depression and anxiety issues. New people and situations, especially going to people’s houses, cause me panic attacks. Most of the time I do not take medication because I don’t need it and it doesn't always help. I also avoid medication when I can because I have one failed suicide attempt in my past and a lot of the medications increase the risk of suicide. That is a personal choice and I’m not telling anyone else what to do with their lives. Your decisions should be based on discussions between you and your doctor.

The thing about mental issues is that they are not constant. There are peaks and valleys. For months now I have been really struggling, but I refused to get help. Things have gotten progressively worse over the last few weeks and I finally made an appointment to see my doctor. Today I spent a large part of the day in tears because I knew my doctor would want to put me on medication and it made me feel like a failure. I know this is nonsense, but being rational isn't always possible. It’s a good thing I had my doctor to remind me that sometimes the strongest thing you can do is to admit that you are struggling and let someone help you. This is not a failure.

I didn't write this so you would feel sorry for me. I wrote this because if you are struggling I want you to know that you are not alone. We don’t all suffer from the same issues and we don’t struggle in the same way, but we can still support each other. We can remind each other that it may not feel like it right now, but things can get better. We can also support each other by being honest about the struggle and refusing to allow mental health issues to be treated like dirty little secrets. There is nothing shameful about getting help for a medical condition.

Please remember that you are valuable

If you’ve read my previous posts you know that I suffer from depression and anxiety issues. This time of year is always tough for me just like most other people who have mental health issues. Less sunlight, plus the holidays and the general stresses of life can make things seem overwhelming. If you’ve watched the news or been on the internet lately I’m sure you’ve read about at least one person committing suicide. I just wanted to take a moment to remind you that you are valuable, irreplaceable, and loved. If you are struggling, please reach out for help. Find a local suicide hotline, call a friend, call a family member, or call me. Please call someone. I promise you that the person you call would rather be woken by you in the middle of the night because you need them rather than being notified of bad news by the police. Needing help doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human. No matter what you might think, you are valuable. Your life is precious and if something happened to you at least one person’s heart would be broken.

Surviving the Rennas

In January I wrote a post about my struggle with social anxiety and depression. As part of my struggle I bought this dress, the “magic dress” because it was beautiful and I loved it. I didn’t have any idea when or if I would ever wear the dress, but that wasn’t the point. The dress made me happy and that was all that mattered. This past weekend I had the perfect opportunity to wear the dress. The Renna Awards event at TCTA is an annual thing and I decided that I would wear the magic dress. The problem with social anxiety is that it never lets you do exactly what you want. Saturday morning I started having panic attacks every time I thought about going to the awards. By the afternoon I wasn’t sure if I would be able to make myself go, but I decided to start getting ready just in case. Part of the way through getting ready I had a severe panic attack and I decided that I was not going to go to the awards because I was just too overwhelmed and exhausted. I stopped getting ready, crawled back into my bed, and pulled the covers over my head. After the panic subsided I started thinking about all my friends at TCTA and how much I did want to see them. Finally I was able to drag myself out of bed and rush through getting ready and out the door. On the drive to the theatre the panic started again, but I just turned up the music in my car and sang along loudly to every song.

Once I got to the theatre and started seeing all my amazing friends I started feeling better. As the night wore on I was able to relax and really enjoy the awards and spending time with my friends. It was more entertaining than I had anticipated and I really enjoyed it. For some reason I expected it to be very serious, clearly I didn’t think about the fact that Shannon was in charge. He seems to make everything more entertaining than it would normally be. I’m very proud of myself for overcoming the panic attacks and consider that a battle won. Technically, I won 2 battles on Saturday because after the awards I even managed to make it to the after party which was held at the home of a woman I did not know. I had seen her around the theatre, but had never spoken to her until I introduced myself at the party. Now I can add one more person to the list of amazing friends I have met through TCTA.

The thing about mental illness is that I don’t think I’ll ever win the war. Not completely. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say that I’ve defeated my issues and will never have to deal with them again. It will probably always be a serious of smaller battles. My goal is just to win as many battles as I can and then forgive myself for the lost battles. It really is about refusing to give up.

My new dress

Depression is a lying bastard.  Jenny Lawson (aka The Bloggess) says that all the time, which is why I love her.  This is such a true statement.  I know because he’s been a frequent companion most of my life, which is probably why I have had ulcers since I was 12 years old.  The hardest lesson came when I was 21 and tried to commit suicide.  Obviously I failed, and that was incredibly disappointing at the time.  Now I’m so thankful for that failure that I can’t even properly express it.  That failure made me so much stronger.  Now when I’m having a bad day I remember that time in my life and tell myself I will never let it get that bad again.  At the time, I was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety disorder and they tried to medicate me.  The medication has never really worked so in general I just muddle through without it.  I think if a medication is going to make you feel worse all the time it’s not really helping you.  Most people don’t know any of this about me because I have always been afraid to tell people.  I was worried that if people knew they wouldn’t want to be around me.  The thing is, why would I want to be friends with people who don’t accept me just the way I am?

One of the hardest things for me are new social situations.  Meeting new people and going to places I’ve never been cause me so much anxiety and stress that it makes me sick to my stomach.  I spend a ridiculous amount of time hoping that people won’t invite me to do stuff because I know I won’t be able to make myself go.  I am able to do public things like going out to eat or seeing a movie without too much trouble, but when people invite me to their house or someone else’s house it causes total panic.  This has been something I’ve really been having trouble with in the last year because I decided to step outside my comfort zone and volunteer on the backstage crew at the local theatre.  The people I volunteer with are amazing, wonderful, loving people who always make me feel welcome.  That doesn’t stop me from being anxious when I start a new show and know I’m going to be meeting new people.  Every show is a “new” situation and I start over from the beginning with having to force myself to go, but I’m always glad I did.  I still haven’t been able to work past the fear and anxiety to attend any of the cast/crew parties, but someday I’m hoping I will.  Right now I’m just proud of myself for getting involved and not letting the fear rule my whole life.  

Even with my family I’m not always comfortable because I’ve spent so much of my life living away from them.  Moving back to Kansas was such a hard decision for me.  I gained 45 pounds in the first year I moved back here because when I’m stressed or anxious I eat…A Lot.  I’m slowly losing that weight, but the older I get the harder it is.  I still struggle with anxiety when we are having family get‑togethers.  I have to force myself to go to them; I have to ignore the anxiety and try to relax.  I love my family and I love spending time with them, it isn’t their fault there is something wrong with me.  In fact, they don’t even know that I have this problem.  Well, I guess they will now.  The point is that I’m doing the best I can and I’m going to stop being so hard on myself for something I can’t control.

A while ago I saw a dress online that is purple and beautiful and it makes me smile just looking at it.  The problem is that it looks like a prom dress and I would never have any reason to wear the thing.  That is where Jenny Lawson comes in to this story.  In general, I love her because she has a great sense of humor and she makes me laugh even when I’m having a bad day.  She has been strong enough to share her battle with depression and reading her blog makes me feel stronger and less ashamed.  She wrote this wonderful blog post about a red dress she wanted.  You can read her story here: http://thebloggess.com/2010/05/the-traveling-red-dress/ .  Her story made me realize that sometimes we have to do something just because it makes us feel better.  I don’t need a special occasion, the dress makes me furiously happy so I decided to go ahead and buy it.  The best part is that it was on sale!!  That makes me even happier.  Is there anything more happy than furiously happy?  That is what I am, MORE than furiously happy.  I may never wear the dress in public, but I intend to take pictures in it and look at them when I’m overwhelmed.  Someday I will join the Traveling Red Dress movement and pass the dress along, but for right now I’m going to be selfish and keep it.  I’m going to enjoy the dress and be thankful to Jenny Lawson for giving me the courage to share my story with all of you and for giving me permission to buy a frivolous dress.

DragonCon 2011

I’ve been meaning to blog about DragonCon for weeks now, but that whole “gallbladder surgery” slowed me down.  J  Now that I’m feeling a little better I thought I’d try to put into words how awesome DragonCon is.  If you are a fan of Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Gaming, Steampunk or costumes in general you NEED to go to DragonCon.  I spent a lot of my time just walking through the hotels staring at the variety of costumes people were wearing.  It is amazing the elaborate costumes that people come up with.  I actually felt like a loser because I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt.  If I ever get to go again I think I’ll try to come up with a costume just so I don’t feel left out. 

Something you will need to keep in mind while reading this blog is that there are multiple hotels involved with DragonCon.  I think there were 5 host hotels and then 10 or more overflow hotels.  When I say we headed to “the hotel” it could mean the hotel we stayed at or any of the others.  I spent most of the weekend confused about where I was.  J

At the airport I was standing in line next to a woman who asked me “why are you going to Atlanta” and I responded “yes”.  After she looked at me funny I said “I’m sorry, I thought you asked if I was going to Atlanta” and she responded “well, since we’re both standing in line to board the flight to Atlanta I just assumed that’s where you were going.  I asked you WHY you were going.”  She said it very nicely, but I think she thought I was an idiot.  This would not be the last time during this trip that I felt like an idiot…

Once I arrived at the airport in Atlanta I began what felt like a 27 mile trek to the baggage claim.  If I had been paying attention I would have realized they have a subway and it’s essential to ride it.  I’m pretty stupid though, so I walked for a long time before I finally got on the subway.  I managed to claim my bag, get a cab and get to the hotel without further incident, so I was feeling pretty proud of myself.

You may not know this, but I have this friend, Chris who makes beautiful jewelry.  (Just FYI – she is on Facebook as Outlaw Designs in Concord, NC).  She has gone to DragonCon for several years to sell her jewelry in the Art Show section.  Part of my reason for going to DragonCon was to help her with her jewelry.  Thursday afternoon was spent getting her tables set up in the Art Show.  When we were finished we headed back upstairs so we could go get some dinner.  While on the escalator I hear a guy yelling my name and look up to see who’s calling me.  I recognized the face, but had absolutely no idea who it was.  I get up to the floor where he’s at and he walks right up and hugs me.  While we’re talking I read his name badge, but still couldn’t figure out how I knew him.  The only thing I knew was that he was somehow connected to my friend Julie.  I texted Julie his name and asked her who he was.  I think she and her husband James really enjoyed harassing me about this situation.  They had every right though, because Tony is a friend of theirs and I should remember him.  I have been around him numerous times.  Plus I let a total stranger hug me just because he thought he knew me.  Whatever, that’s just how I am.

Friday morning we got up and went to the Georgia Aquarium and it is really nice.  If you’ve looked through my pictures you have seen some of the beautiful aquariums they have.  If you are ever in Atlanta, I highly recommend that you visit the aquarium, it’s worth the money.

Friday is when DragonCon officially starts so after the aquarium we headed back to the hotel to sell jewelry.  At some point during the day Chris’ mom and sister took over the jewelry table so we could escape for a while.  Since we had time we headed over to the Walk of Fame to see what actors were doing autographs and that is when I got to meet Tahmoh Penikett!!!  Everybody on FB knows this because I posted that information 2 minutes after it happened.  I actually stood and chatted for a few minutes and in addition to being very sexy he is also funny and very appreciative of his fans.  I was very proud of myself that I didn’t drool or speak gibberish like an idiot.  Next I stepped down to get Aaron Douglas’ autograph.  I follow him on Twitter so I know he’s amusing, but he is even funnier in person.

The rest of the weekend gets a little garbled, sorry about that.  If you ever go to DragonCon you should take notes or you will forget what the hell happened, like I did.  I know the parade was Saturday morning and WOW was that a spectacle!  Never in your life have you seen a parade like this.  I’ve been to lots of parades in my life and none of them compared to this.  The costumes are brilliant and inventive (who knew Storm Troopers wore kilts!) and they were just fun to look at. 

During the course of the weekend I managed to attend a few panels.  For those of you who don’t know what that means, it’s basically where you get to sit and listen to your favorite actors, authors, or experts talk about different TV shows, movies, books, etc.  They have all kinds of panels and there are not enough hours in the day to see all the ones you want to.  Because this was my first DragonCon I managed to miss out of 90% of the stuff I wanted to see just because I did not understand the planning necessary.  To get into a panel you have to get in line and lines start forming an hour before the panel starts.  Thankfully, I got my stuff together enough to attend panels for Dollhouse, Battlestar Galactica and Eureka so I was in heaven.  I learned lots of interesting things during the panels, but the ones that stick out are:

• Felicia Day was homeschooled, is very good at math and went to UT;
• Colin Ferguson’s dentist calls him Captain Amazing, he has the most beautiful eyes and he is even more entertaining in person than he is on Eureka;
• Edward James Olmos is an excellent story teller and motivational speaker;
• Eliza Dushku is very much like her character in Dollhouse (the charisma and attitude part, not the hooker part);
• Tahmoh Penikett is gorgeous (wait I already knew that)…um…he is very amusing and sweet.

At some point I found myself back in the Walk of Fame where I spent a few minutes chatting with Joe Manganiello about how hot the autograph room was.  During this chat I learned that even though the shirt he was wearing was long sleeved it was very lightweight, breathable and soft.  He told me this information, I did not touch him.  I did get his autograph before moving on.  I also spent a few minutes talking to Colin Ferguson and Tom Felton, but didn’t get either of their autographs.  Like I mentioned before, Colin has beautiful eyes, I found myself just staring which is very rude.  Even though I didn’t get his autograph he was very polite and funny, talking to me while he signed autographs for my friend.  Tom Felton was a pleasant surprise.  Since he is so young and has been part of an extremely lucrative movie franchise I expected him to have an ego, but I was wrong.  He is a delightfully polite young man.  He was sweet and respectful and shook my hand before we walked away.  I was very impressed with him.  If I ever go back to DragonCon I need to save more money for autographs.  (Actors do charge for those.)

Are you still here?  Seriously?  I thought by now everyone would have gotten bored and stopped reading.  Don’t worry, you’re in the home stretch now.  I had such an amazing time at this event.  Every person I came in contact with enhanced the experience.  The DragonCon staff, volunteers, the other attendees, were all helpful, nice and friendly.  Every time I found myself lost or confused total strangers helped me.  If you have ever considered going to DragonCon you should do it.  It was worth the money.  While there, be sure to talk to as many strangers as possible.  Whether you are standing in line for a panel, elevator, escalator, food or sitting in the lobby of a hotel taking pictures talk to everyone around you.  You will hear fun stories, see great pics and it will make all the difference to your DragonCon experience.  If you do go, I recommend you skip the gallbladder surgery when you get home.  That part wasn’t any fun at all and I never want to do that again.  J

Christmas spirit

In all the hustle and bustle to buy the perfect gift and get all the decorations out people often forget the true meaning of Christmas. We are supposed to be celebrating the birth of Jesus not worrying about having the best decorations in the neighborhood. I have to say that this year I was very impressed by the people in the City of Topeka. We had a ridiculous amount of snow and we were not prepared for it. The streets were terrible and even people with 4 wheel drives were getting stuck. I had the misfortune of trying to leave my apartment twice and got stuck both times. Both times total strangers offered to help dig me out. The first time the guys were a little annoying about telling me what I did wrong and offering advice, but they still helped dig me out. The second time a couple just stopped their car and offered to help dig me out and then went on about their business. When I finally managed to get out of my neighborhood I saw similar sights everywhere. People were offering assistance to total strangers and not asking anything in return. That is the true spirit of Christmas. Whether you are a Christian or not, being a good person is something we should all strive for. Helping the people around you when they need a hand is part of that and doing it without making them feel they owe you is even better. In the new year I hope that people carry forward that spirit of helpfulness even when there's no snow on the ground. Although at the rate we're going, it'll be July before it stops snowing. :)